Etiquette. Please.

Sometimes I rant about things. This is one of those times. As Shrek says -- better out than in!!

Although I am very behind on getting things updated here (hello -- outstanding, memorable family vacation!?) --- one other thing is uppermost on my mind at the moment. I'd put together a Facebook post about it, but my thoughts are way too long for that, and I'd probably offend people, and I thought here would be better.

Last week, Alyssa and I threw a party -- it was a bridal shower for one of her friends, and we had fun doing it. Alyssa made the trip home for it, and spent about 3 days here -- which was heavenly -- especially for Emma. The shower went off without a hitch.

Today, I am doing some hand-lettering on a small stack of envelopes that are for graduation cards for some of my former Seminary students.

I know that seems unrelated, but here's the connection: Social Media and Social Events.

I'm on social media just as much as the next person. Probably more. I totally understand how easy it is to create an event on Facebook, and invite people that way. Saves postage. Easy to add photos. Easy to message people. Everybody checks it. (Well, most people who have a Facebook account, seem to at least check it fairly regularly.) Easy for them to RSVP, and ask questions, too. A few clicks, and you're done. Woo hoo.

And I know I'm very old-fashioned. I admit that. For being fairly "up" on technology, I'm old-fashioned, too.

Here's my beef:

I have a problem with how people use social media for social events. It's rude. It's thoughtless.

I cringe when I see posts that look something like this:

"Hey everyone!! I'm getting ready to send out my wedding invitations!! Message me your address if you want one!!"  [ I always imagine a high-pitched voice, and a little cutesy giggle going along with that]

The same thing happens with graduation invitations. Sometimes, the  thoughtful, tech-savvy poster will set up a Google Docs situation, where people can "safely" message their addresses, without it showing up on a public Facebook feed.

Doesn't matter.

The whole premise is wrong.

If you and I are friends, please don't ask me to message you because **I** want a paper-invitation to **your** event. You're putting that burden on the guests. Stop it!!! If we're THAT good of friends, ....

1. I should already be ON your list. 
2. You should already have my address. Or at the least, you have a way to contact me PERSONALLY and individually,to ask me for it. Email me. Text me. Call me. Don't put out a social media cattle call for addresses.
3. You look like you're begging for friends. We're already friends. And you know what else? If we're NOT that close -- if I'm only an acquaintance that has accepted your Facebook friend request -- then I sure as heck am NOT close enough to be invited to your event. But that shouldn't be put on me to decide how close you feel.
4. If you're not sending out paper invitations, that's ok, if that's how you choose to do it. (It's definitely not MY style, but whatever floats your boat.) But please, please, PLEASE -- when you make your social media announcement about an event that usually has a paper announcement --- let people know that you're not doing paper announcements. That way, I'm not waiting for one. Plus, social media stuff tends to get buried in the feed, and I may not see your event again, after your initial post. Sorry -- but I'll miss your event.

So, for the recent bridal shower we put on, I asked the bride and her mother for a guest list of who they would like to invite. I prepared and printed paper invitations. I did this mostly because I like paper invitations, and I think they're better in every way. I did paper partly because some of the people to be invited are either not on social media, or rarely check their accounts.

A few days after I snail-mailed out invitations, (we had our vacation in the middle of that) I followed it up by creating a Facebook event, and inviting the SAME people on the guest list. Some of the guests were not my own Facebook friends, so I asked the bride-to-be to add the other friends to the event. This gave everyone another way to RSVP, and gave me a way to get messages to people, if needed.

THIS WORKED, people!! Yes, it's easy for the guests. And no one felt they weren't "special" enough to not receive a paper invitation, either.


Back to my graduation cards I'm preparing. (These also constitute our gift, since we will add a monetary amount to them.)

Parents of these graduates are wisely doing as we did for Darcie, and having a joint graduation party for these kids. Several of these young graduates sent us a snail-mailed announcement that includes their joint party invitation. I also received a Facebook Event invitation to the same party. Some of the graduates who are participating in the joint party did not send paper invitations to us.

Do you start to see the difference? Am I as important to those who didn't snail-mail an invitation? Or am I only invited by those who did snail mail it? Do I bring a gift for ALL those that I know? Did the other graduates NOT print announcements, or did they just not send a printed one to me? Did they forget about me?

As a guest, it can get confusing, and it could even potentially create hurt feelings.

Except, this is ME, and I'm pretty thick-skinned. Plus, I love these kids, so ..... Graduation Gifts for Everyone!!! Yay!!!!!

(I'm certainly not going to leave any one of them out.)


And, as long as I'm on this etiquette kick ...... a couple of last sticking points.

I don't care WHAT some random person says on the internet about "out-dated traditions"  ......
A bridal shower is an event that should NOT be given by a family member. This is NOT outdated, it still stands!!! (And hence, why Alys and I threw the shower -- we are not members of the bride-to-be's family.)

Bridal showers are to be hosted by friends. Or by co-workers. The very concept of a "shower" is saying, "Oh, look! Our dear friend is getting married (or having a baby), and we think she's awesome, and she could use some help getting her home set up (or nursery) --- so we want to have a party for her, and you're invited!!"

Because the premise of a shower is to **give gifts to the bride**, if it is hosted by a mother or a sister, it's the same as flat-out ASKING for presents. And since the family is presumably already hosting a wedding reception or open house, if you host the shower too -- you're asking for gifts TWICE.

Can you see the problem with this????

Mothers (and future mothers-in-law) and sisters should not host a bridal shower!!
The closest relative who could host a shower, could be an aunt. She is not immediate family.

If the people who want to throw a shower do not have a practical or adequate location to host it, it's fine for the mother of the bride to step forward and offer her own home as a location. This is okay. The shower still should be HOSTED by the friends.

And finally...... (I know, you couldn't wait for me to get to the end, right?!)


Here's the super puzzling one that still baffles me ...... this is from the daughter of an acquaintance. Please, please, PLEASE do not do what this bride-to-be did:


I saw a post in one of my Facebook groups ..... it happened to be a church-group, but it could easily have been ANY group. The bride-to-be, who was living out of town at the time, announced to the group that she was able to come to town on a certain weekend, and asked -- if she has her shower on that date, how many people would be able to attend?


Are you kidding me???? First --- as I think I've made clear, .... if it's wrong for a mother or sister to throw a shower, then you certainly don't throw your *own* shower. Second -- you are blatantly and arrogantly asking for people to give you stuff. Third -- you're also implying that if not enough people can show up TO GIVE YOU GIFTS, that you're not going to be bothered with even arriving in town. I still shudder when I think about this one.

And since this is still me talking ---- one more plug for Snail Mail.

If you take the time to write my name and address BY HAND on real paper, and spend the current postage rate of 49 cents ----- then the message you're sending to me is that you care about me enough to want me at your event, in person. I'd love to come, and bring you a beautiful gift that day. Thank you so much for inviting me!!!!




P.S. Your thank-you note is greatly appreciated! If you hand it to me because you want to hand-deliver your notes, then that's great! But if you tell me that you didn't want to spend the 49 cents for postage as you hand me the note ---- then it takes a little of the pleasure out of it. Your message is now that I'm not worth 49 cents. Thankfully, my self esteem can handle it.